I’ve discussed some of these issues in my blog post ‘When are you having a baby?’ as well as the post ‘PCOS Nobody wants to talk about it’ so you may want to read those posts as well if you are going through these issues yourself.
I want this post to give you a heads up if you’re going to get married soon, to let you know that getting pregnant in the first place isn’t plain sailing for a lot of women and if you find yourself in that situation then it’s ok and it will be ok inshaAllah. For women trying to conceive, a little hope by letting you know that there are success stories for people who have gone through fertility issues and that you are definitely not alone.
I’m currently reading Michelle Obama’s biography titled ‘Becoming’, half way through reading about such a driven and ambitious woman I read the part about her and her husband trying for a baby.
“Fertility is not something you conquer. Rather maddeningly, theres no straight line between effort and reward…” she writes, “…Seeing women and their children walking happily along a street, I’d feel a pang of longing followed by a bruising wallop of inadequacy.”
The ex-first lady who as a woman I could totally relate to, her feelings of inadequacy and her struggles were so close to home. She went on to have a miscarriage and then trying Clomid before going through IVF for both her pregnancies. It was just such a wow moment for me because there are so many women who go through these things but when you’re in it yourself, you feel like you are the only one, that there is something wrong with you because everyone else around you is getting pregnant accidentally or very easily it seems.
Islamically we shouldn’t discuss our intimate spousal relations with anyone and I wholeheartedly agree with that, but what that has meant is that fertility and getting pregnant has almost become a subject that isn’t discussed before marriage at all, giving people a false sense of certainty when they go into marriage. I always thought people got married and then went on to have a baby when they wanted to, I mean in my extended family there are at least 3+ children in each family so to me it was clearly not an issue.
I found that when I had my own issues there wasn’t anyone for me to talk to, my husband and I literally went through the whole fertility journey on our own, partly because it was embarrassing almost shameful to talk about but also because I hadn’t known anyone else to have gone through it.
Alhamdulillah we had our precious miracle baby girl after one round of Clomid. After I had gone through it I discussed it somewhat with close cousins and friends and after writing my posts on it I came to know that what I went through was not uncommon. Alhamdulillah speaking about it has meant that I was able to help other people who didn’t know what routes were available to them and who to talk to.
If you are going through something like this please know that you are not inadequate, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you and that you are no less of a woman because you are struggling to have a baby.